so you know sometimes when you wake up in the morning you just feel sorta heavy and your eyelids feel sorta puffy and your whole body seems kinda off balance? then when you walk over to the sink to brush your teeth, you raise your arm to get the toothpaste and guess what! there's like this fold of underarm flab that wiggles right back at you in the mirror. or sometimes, what you get is like this bright red protrusion in the middle of your forehead, which, you hope and pray, is probably some mosquito bite which will go away by lunch, but deep down, you know that it's really some avalanche of a pimple that's waiting to spill out and spew pus all over your face. and that's when you know that today is going to be a fat day.

i'm sure everyone has had a fat day before. i mean, you don't have to feel fat for it to be a fat day, although i'm quite sure this is another given since nobody i know actually wakes up feeling thin. a fat day can be any day as long as you wake up feeling shitty and generally disgusted with yourself. sometimes i feel so grossed out with myself that i want to crawl into a hole and count backwards from one thousand; that's what i call an ultrafat day. anyway, i've compiled a list of stuff which helps you feel a bit better on fat days, as follows!

Things Which Make You Feel Better When You Wake Up On A Fat Day:

1. Go back to sleep. this always works; if not when you wake up it won't be day anymore and you would have gotten rid of your fat day anyway.
2. Take a hot bath with a fruity smelling bath lotion.
3. Stretch for a good 15 minutes.
4. Wash your face twice and then proceed to cover every single pore of your face with pimple cream. sometimes it helps to use moisturizer after.
5. Do 500 crunches and continue till you can't feel your stomach.
6. Eat ice cream!
7. Drink really hot, strong green tea without sugar.
8. Wax/shave your legs. i swear, this is cathartic although it's also meant to apply to girls only.
9. Listen to happy music like Toploader's Dancing in the Moonlight
10. Watch half a season of Friends. look out for the fat monica episodes!

oh, and contrary to what i might have posted earlier, when you're having a fat day you should avoid chocolate at all costs. now that i'm like a few months older and wiser i've realised that when you binge on chocolate you feel really pleased with yourself, but once the aphrodisiac effect wears off you'll almost always start imagining oil dripping from your pores and start feeling really sore-throaty and heaty! and then what started as a fat day rapidly degenerates to an ultrafat day. and then the only solution to that is to eat more chocolate, which means that you'll have no voice the next day and you'll have to put up with people asking why a nuclear power plant suddenly exploded on your face. or maybe that just happens to me, hmmm, i wonder...