now that i've like put 10 papers behind me and only have 4 more ahead, it's like i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. it's as if for the past 2 weeks or so i've been having an out of body experience- you know like when people are having a life-threatening op and they say they can see the surgeon screwing around with their heart and things like that- and like days and weeks suddenly merge into blocks of "Before the As" and "After the As" and "During the Paper" chunks of time. i guess it's kinda exciting in a way because like when you have a paper that ends at 5.30 one day and another one which starts at 8 the next, when you reach home it's like you suddenly have this burst of fire and start mugging like your life depends on it. and then when you finally go to sleep, you dream about physics formulae. and, if you're paranoid like i am, you wake up at 4.30 to practice physics until it's time to leave the house, at which point you know that This Is It.

and i guess it's weird but after like studying more physics and math in the past few days than i have in the last 10 years of my life COMBINED, it's like it suddenly feels very strange when you put down your pen at the end of 2.5 hours and know that you'll never touch the subject again. it's almost like not wanting to let go of something, especially something which you started off hating majorly but in retrospect really isn't so bad. ALMOST, hahaha.

anyway just now my mom was asking how physics went and i was like "oh, that's the end of physics" and she was like laughing away, probably thinking that her daughter is so cute and silly. but i, i'm the only only one who knows that it's really the end of physics, and that, combined with similar sentiments about math, is not a comforting thought at all.

in fact i'm kinda taking a break now because i finally have NO PAPER tomorrow, which is a miracle considering that i've been having 3 days of double papers in the past 10 days. and yesterday, when i set my alarm for 5 am so that i could wake up early to practice chem- and i swear 2 hours of furious calculator work in the morning really puts you in a lot better shape during the exam- for some reason i woke up at 3.30, read my watch upside down and without my specs, and thought that it was actually 6.30 and that i had overslept. so of course i started swearing and jumping up and down thinking that i'm royally screwed this time. eventually i had the good sense to put on the light and my glasses and realised that it was actually still early but you know, it's never good to swear and jump up and down the first thing in the morning. in fact i realise that i've trained myself really well, because nowadays i actually automatically wake up like at 4.50, 10 minutes before i set my alam even. it's like i've some innate biological clock that gets activated during exams. all i have to do is think about wanting to wake up at 5 the next day, and, almost without fail, i wake up within 10 minutes of that time without an alarm. yes i know this confirms i am a freak.

oh and on tuesday, just before the physics paper, i had a huge panic attack. because i took out my notes for a "quick run through" a few hours before the paper, and like suddenly it seemed like i'd never seen some of the formulae in my life. and then i started thinking i'm screwed i'm screwed i'm going to forget everything like a fat lazy retard and ruin my life. and then mark started telling me that my "mind is like a palace" where you only think about the "doors" because behind these doors, apparently, are rooms of wisdom. and all you need to do is like locate the door. which just made me think that i'm even more screwed because I HAVE NO FRIGGIN DOOR and then i started envisioning a sandcastle instead and guess what suddenly i also envisioned that there was this high tide which came and swept the sandcastle away.

haha.