on friday night for some reason i found myself in a cab going round the safti compound, and i now truly understand why the course can reduce big strong boys into depressive whimpering souls. the place is like huge and stony and cold; like all the sparseness and vacantness of RJ times one million. and at night it's so creepy it's like the perfect setting for suicide attempts. it's like all your worst nightmares of mental asylums and prisons and concentration camps combined into one. now i know why the army spends so much money on psychometric tests and all that; if i was in there i would be dead in a day. which is why i really thank god that aud came along, because i think i would have otherwise lost my nerve and demanded to be driven back out immediately. 'twas quite an adventure, it was, and certainly an invaluable lesson in what friends are for ;)

anyway, after that suitably depressing episode, the rest of saturday passed in a bit of a blur. i woke up for breakfast, took my morning nap, woke up for lunch, and then napped till mid-afternoon. at which point i had developed a severe headache- IT'S TRUE: TOO MUCH SLEEP IS BAD FOR YOU. that's when i decided it's time to Get My Act Together, and so i crawled out of bed and switched off the aircon. then i got through an hour or so of yoga, which made me feel sufficiently healthy and brimming with life again. it's amazing what balancing on your shoulders can do for you!

this afternoon i treated my girls to ice cream at swensons, and being around them i again i felt this weird sense of age and maturity. i guess i've always been one of the spoiled, lazy, irresponsible people who just slide along selfishly, so coaching these kids has really been an eye-opener. it's like suddenly i have to make all these decisions for them and look out for them and mediate for them and i have to be all rational and adultish about it. i am beginning to doubt if my superkid genuis/all-star athlete parenting plan will hold up in the long run after all. i am just too weak. i will definitely need to hire one of those nannies from hell if i'm going to raise an einstein anytime in this life.

as for the rushdie book, it has proven to be quite an inconvenience as it's just too bloody big to fit into any of my bags. which means i can't read on the go and we all know i'm not going to sit down for three hours and read a boring book. so now i'm onto the great gatsby which is rapidly turning into one of my favourite old-fashioned love stories, and reminding me, in fact, of margaret atwood's the blind assasin. barring another ADHD episode like this one, i think gatsby should be conquered in just a few minutes. oh, and i know this sounds dumb, but all my life i thought gatsby was a place. turns out, he's a man!

it's rather late now but i'm on a vigil so that when i do get to sleep, it'll be uninterrupted and i'll wake up just in time to get ready for driving lessons. my instructor has instructed me to go home and "think about why [i'm] so blur at traffic lights". i presume this is because i keep turning into the wrong lanes after U-turns, but she should know this is because she keeps nagging at me to "look far ahead" and everytime she says this i get panicky and step on the accelerator before i have time to swing the wheel back. and then when this happens she goes "immediate failure!" and laughs in a very cackly witch-like tone which is not in the least bit comforting. anyhow, with a bit more sleep and caffeine in the system tomorrow, hopefully i won't stall the engine and nearly kill any pedestrians!

lately i've been having a lot of weird nightmares. these typically happen during my morning nap, and in line with freudian theory, practically everything they involve are flashbacks from what occurred the previous day. they seem to span almost a day and revolve around me forgetting stuff or screwing things up, although i tend to wake up at the most tragic parts and discover that i've only been sleeping an hour or two. to have these as recurring themes in what must be extremely frenzied dreaming is not comforting at all. plus when i wake up i actually feel more exhausted than before, like the other day i woke up with my head throbbing and feeling as if i was going to die. the other times i woke up feeling like i was dying were on results day and when i had to take an X-ray for The Butcher. my nightmares almost always precede imminent shit so i'm just waiting for the next one to hit.

yesterday i found this packet of cereal drink powder in the pantry and was pleasantly surprised to find that it was quite yummy, because as a rule healthy food always tastes bad. after all you can't have everything, and people apparently think that a few extra years of life is supposed to compensate for bland food. anyway, when i was about to proceed for more, i discovered that the cereal drink expired in 2001, which was like FIVE YEARS AGO. i was quite grossed out and had to eat a whole mango to get over it! and so now i am pleased to report that i have yet to experience any symptoms of diarrhea or food poisoning, so it is possible that all my training with expired chocolates has paid off.

and lastly, KEVIN GOT VOTED OFF! yes, this proves that america does have a brain after all. incidentally, ever wondered why it's "singapore idol" and not "singaporean idol"? hello i think we have a massive grammar mistake here! imagine, if we can't even get the title right, what more should we expect from the singing dammit??

today i slept, shopped, and watched TV. basically, i did all the things which i do best; so the day was a good day indeed.

to my credit, shopping is an important life skill, so it's not like i haven't been using this free time to enrich myself. when i was first released after my exam-induced hermitage, my shopping stamina was little over an hour. today i shopped for five hours without stopping, AND i could have gone longer but it was getting late. so there has definitely been some improvement here. shopping is an art; it is about skill and strategy. first you must know how to scan racks, detect sales, and spot good buys. then you must be good at your cost-benefit analysis (should i pay more for a better design or get a plain one cheap?) and know how to budget your energy and money. clearly, shopping makes us better people!

just now i had a philosophical moment. i happened to catch my reflection in the dining room door and for some reason, i thought, "i'm too young to go to university!". this is not just the height speaking. it's like the past few weeks i've been so caught up doing applications here and there and wondering which courses to try for that it didn't actually strike me that i'm going to university. i definitely do not feel old enough or mature enough or smart enough. in fact, i think i still feel J1. i always feel as if i don't belong in where i am, like in J1 i felt sec 1, and in sec1 i felt primary1. i guess you don't actually think you fit into a place until you've experienced everything through your time there, and only then when you fully accept your identity there, it's time to move on. or am i the only person who can't believe she's actually going to be in university soon?

currently, i'm stuck at page 37 of salman rushdie's the ground beneath her feet. the whole novel is a 634 page affair, and frankly, i don't think i am going to make it. somehow the beginning seems to just drag on and on with no purpose in sight. and this afternoon i just wiped my sister's borders card out with 3 new books, and i'm quite eager to start them. they are considerably thinner so they have a bright future ahead. all i need to do now is lock myself in a room with cereal, coffee, and good music...

finally, american idol rant! i canNOT stand pipsqueak kevin. i have never hated a 16 year old boy as much as i hate kevin. he has this annoying way of twitching his eyes when he sings and i have no idea how anybody can find this cute or adorable or attractive. he's just one helluva ugly kid! yes, i realise that i am judgemental and shallow but somebody has to say it!

alright, so the boyfriend is an officer now, which may have come as a surprise to many but certainly not me. somehow i always knew that what he wanted, he would get; and he has been talking about OCS ever since what seems like the beginning of time. what i wanted however, was something along the lines of a 9-5 job, although it's not like i ever actually thought such luck would materialise. anyhow, i suppose this is the time to be supportive and proud, so i will have to keep my spirits up during these three weeks of his confinement.

i guess the best way to look at it is as one of those little tests of commitment, and the upside is that while we're separated the probability of fights is greatly diminished. in fact, guess what- the probability of -physical- fights is now zero! so isn't that something to cheer a person up? i think i feel it more now because i've actually had him around for almost two whole weeks this time, and i was really getting used to talking and going out whenever we wanted and doing stuff together again. and now it sucks that he has to march right back into camp, where he'll always be around other hormonally charged boys who do godknowswhat in their free time. i may be such a whiner, but this is definitely not a fun situation.

this considered, today was actually not that bad of a day, especially after i spent it lazing around on my fat ass watching my newly rented OC season 1. i know it's so over but hey i never really found out how ryan came to the cohens =p plus, my dad left a bottle of expensive red wine in the mini attic fridge, so my afternoon was quite a happy one indeed!

life the past few days have been a bit surreal really because i've spent a good amount of it working in a clinic and studying medical instruments i'm not sure what exactly caused me to have the sudden change of heart, but i am now finding myself wanting to do precisely what i would have never wanted to touch a few days ago. needless to say, my dad has been trying very hard to hide his glee at this decision, although to be fair he did tell me to stop screwing around the first two days because he thought it was just one of my usual tricks. my mom of course still believes that shit is just making its way to the fan, and will hit once i realise how gross it is to touch germy people. i am determined to prove them wrong, hah. as long as i take my vitamin C like the obsessive freak i am known to be, all will be well.

the other thing is that someone's been on block leave since passing out so i've been really enjoying having some good company the past week :) and after being used to mostly long mundane days for so long, it's like a breath of fresh air that's really added to the surreal factor of this week. it's amazing how you tend to take little things for granted till you have to live without, then you start realising how much you really miss them.

V for Vendetta- everyone who hasn't watched the movie thinks that natalie portman's head shaving performance is the only draw, but once you've watched it you'd realise that the real genius is hugo weaving for his amazingly humanised role as V. you can't run away from hugo's distinct voice, which has this firm, haunting quality to it that manages to capture in essence the heart of the movie despite his character being faceless the entire time. it's too bad that the voice already carries the baggage of mr smith and elrond, but surprisingly there are only one or two moments where V seems to channel a bit of these personalities. the movie is fast paced, clever, and classy in many ways, and the biggest problem is that it packs in so much that it seems disjointed at times. especially so was the subplot of evey's torture, which i didn't quite get. the way in which the ending hinged more and more on the love between evey and V was expected but nonetheless sadistic, though in hindsight the somewhat S&M nature of it makes the relationship that much more plausible. the movie abounds with many recognisable literary and political allusions, but it's a bit disappointing how it's such a typical dystopian story- power-crazed dictator, loss of freedom, controversial underground movement, martyrs, revolution. very brave new world but even more 1984. all in all it's definitely bang for your buck, and as mark says, it's a movie that makes you feel happy. hmm, but go watch!

finally, here's a maddox post that's so socially correct that it'll make you wonder if he's secretly getting paid by the government.

i had a post a few days ago about someone's passing out parade, and for the benefit of those who haven't attended one, i even posted a few pics of it. mostly, it consisted of little boys running about like moving shrubs. it was quite cute really, for the beginning part, but after a while the boys and shrubs got a bit repetitive, and plus i was getting a bit annoyed because it was impossible to spot someone/anyone from the clone army. but anyway, as luck would have it, blogger and www.tinypic.com were both being totally uncooperative, so maybe we'll just see that draft when the servers decide to stop acting screwy.

had lunch yesterday with darryl walker and feifei, where most of our conversations consisted of mark suanning them, and thereafter them gripping their cutlery very tightly. there were also a lot of incredulous looks my way and questions of 'how do you put up with him?'. i think it's amusing how everyone thinks that we survive only through mutual insults and fights. we can be nice people too, you know ;)

anyway the other major event is that i've had a change of heart about uni and i think law might not be my first choice after all. we're both doing a job shadowing now which is turning out to be better than expected, and i think that i might actually be able to do to it as a long-term thing and not kill anybody. the chance that my application will get through is like 0.1% though, so this is probably of no consequence. at least as a lawyer i'd get to act hoity toity and have an excuse to be in bitch mood 24/7, and that would definitely be an enjoyable career.

the rest of the week was actually moderately depressing for various reasons, but that's what chocolates and ice cream are for. the other day i discovered this box of handmade belgium pralines in the fridge, and with great cunning and stealth, i have made good progress with them. and things picked up on friday when my girls absolutely thrashed their opponents. they were actually pretty unprepared for the debate because i had been calling in sick (with food poisoning!) for half the week so i was especially proud to see that all my lecturing and black faces had made a difference. then they made me this little collage thingy filled with magazine cuttings, pics, and personal notes cos it was our last session during season, and when they gave it to me i thought i was going to cry! omg it was definitely a near emotional moment there, something which i had totally not expected. i guess this whole coaching deal has actually made me a more mature person, and i do actually think i'll miss the girls.

lastly, movie review!

date movie- totally slapstick, over the top, but a hilarious spoof of all the recent lovey movies. there's a bit of bridget jones, my big fat greek wedding, the wedding planner, hitch, king kong, wedding crashers... and even this pseudo bachelor segment in which the bachelor literally eliminates the girls. the plot may not have been great or even fluent, and there were way too many unbelievable stunts, but all in all it was definitely an enjoyable watch. nothing better for brainless sunday afternoon entertainment!

just got back from shopping with sophia a while back and again i resisted the urge to buy! i really thought today would be the day i succumb because i had to walk through the makeup department at isetan. MAC was lined with all these gorgeous eye shadow shades and eyeliners and i was going mad testing them all out on my hand. then there was the stila booth which was even harder because it's my favourite brand and there were tubes upon tubes of lip gloss begging to be bought. and i'm such a sucker for lip gloss because i feel compelled to buy whenever i see a shade which i don't have even though i remind myself continually that i can only wear one shade at a time and lip gloss expires quickly. today however, this reminder worked, which is another sign that i am becoming a more mature person.

afterwards, there was nine west which was having a FINAL SALE so of course we had to take a look. now that i come to think of it, they've been having a final sale for a very long time already so it's possible that they're lying about the 'final'. anyway we were surrounded by bags and shoes and as we all know nine west makes very pretty versions of both. the only problem is that only the frumpy looking ones were on 50% off, but no matter, if they're 2 things women can't resist, they've got to be shoes and bags. you can never have enough of either, even if it's a ridiculous lacey pair of boots which you'll never wear out. which is why nine west probably has the perfect business model for milking the female dollar. anyhow, i again displayed exceptional resolve in the face of temptation, so it's me: 1 consumerism: 0

when i'm older and rich and have my very own walk-in wardrobe for my shoes, i will definitely buy that lacey pair of boots!

48 hours ago, i was on the brink of a very severe OCD episode; i was eating almonds compulsively and trying to memorise the spanish dictionary. if not for the fact that i was talking to mark on the phone, i would have also gone ahead to read every economist issue i have in the house, and that would have even included the business sections. mark was trying to get me to buy his philosophy- that you should enjoy yourself fully before the results so that if it's bad, you'd have had your fun, and if it's good, you can continue to have your fun. i of course subscribe to the other school of thought, which is- worry whenever you can, whenever you can. it's the tried and tested way to bipolar disorder.

in the morning of results day, we decided to watch i not stupid too, which turned out to be a surprisingly good choice because by the end of it we were completely numb to the pressures of the singapore school system. haha gotcha! i was a complete nervous wreck anyway and spent half the movie imagining what 4Bs would look like on paper. if anything, it was more like mental fatigue because the show just seemed to drag on and on for 2 hours, which seemed like eternity compared to the half hour separating us from the moment of revelation. for the record, the movie is definitely not as good as the prequel, and there are just too many emotionally charged scenes that you get kinda sick of seeing the same characters crying and screaming and behaving like typical singaporeans.

of course by the time i was one person away from collecting my results, i had worked myself into hyperventillation and my heart was on fire. it didn't help that i had already seen half my class getting straight As, especially since unlike a dearest person, i don't have the unique ability to just "squeeze an A out of every paper". the bitch radar was definitely operative and i felt like kicking every person who was saying, nonchalantly, that he got 4As. boohoo, i'm so ashamed for being mean spirited.

anyway, when it was my turn i naturally started to cry when i saw the paper but thankfully vanity got the better of me and i stopped myself before i made a mess on my face. i vaguely recall miss hor trying to say something to me but obviously i didn't hear a word since it was already a huge stretch to pick up the pen and sign against my name. afterwards, when i called my mom i started off by asking her "remember you said you'd still love me regardless?", which was payback for all the april fools jokes she's played on me. and then when she heard my results SHE started to cry. this is one of the benefits of having everybody think that you're stupid, i suppose. it becomes a lot easier to Do Your Best when they have low expectations of you.

so, six months of shit and that's what it boiled down to.

apart from results, the week has been quite packed with other stuff!

on saturday, mark and i had a major pigging out at billy bomber's. we had ribs and steak and this extremely thick and sweet vanilla milkshake which came in this HUGE metal flasky thing which the waiter actually shakes in front of you. but what killed us was the nachos. the first bowl they brought was so drowned in cheese that half of them became too soggy to be eaten. so we complained very nicely and they brought us a second bowl, with the cheese and salsa in separate side bowls. and the funny thing about this bowl of nachos was that it seemed to NEVER END, and halfway through it both of us were dying. but we felt really bad to leave the chips there because we'd complained and all, so we tried to hide the chips in the cheese and salsa bowls. it was quite funny ;p

on monday, i had the first driving lesson of my entire life in which i didn't stall the car once! it was a mammoth achievement. i seem to actually be getting the hang of the clutch, which is good news because it means that i now have more brain space to focus on not mounting kerbs or knocking people down at traffic junctions.

on tuesday, i met mandy and co for a last supper. before that, i was shopping with aud at paragon, and we kinda forgot to check the time. which was when mandy called us and told us in her pissed sounding voice to get ourselves there now. if you know mandy, you'd have been scared too. anyway that's how me and aud practically ran from paragon to plaza in record time. and, later on in the evening, we ended up walking back to far east with mitch, although this proved to be a good thing because i managed to buy a pair of sunglasses (for driving!) and so end my dry spell. somehow now that i'm working i don't feel like buying anything anymore because i think of how hard i've worked to earn that money, and this leads to a vicious cycle of me feeling unfulfilled from shopping trips and then needing to shop more to get over that feeling.

today, i had driving again in the morning but i was a bit stoned and so i had a lot of near accidents. the U-turns in particular were horrendous because my instructor kept telling me to look at the road ahead and not at the kerb, and as a result i turned into the wrong lane a few times, panicked, and accelerated in mid-turn a few other times. seriously, this instructor can be quite irritating. but i guess she has kept me miraculously safe until now so she must have some good karma after all.

in the afternoon, i attempted to get sunlight to improve my vitamin D absorption. so i lay out the yoga mat in the garden and went to sleep. but it was so hot that i could practically feel my brain frying, and every few minutes an ant would try to crawl up my legs and i would have to get up and brush it off. i have no idea how people can tan on a regular basis. it's unbearable; i hate the sun. after that i went for an evening jog around the estate, and as luck would have it, i managed to take the wrong route by accident and ended up running more than i intended to.

and now, it's time to catch up on grey's anatomy and american idol!