a reminder that sometimes, you just gotta suck it in and chin up.

since CAs ended, i've pretty much been enjoying life, so much so that now i no longer have the heart to start studying for pros. this, despite the fact that pros are less than 4 weeks away and i am undoubtedly in more shit than before because the weightage is 60% of my plight for next year.

yesterday me and mandy finally settled on the theme for dnd. it's gonna be supernova! yup as in rock star supernova :D sounds fun sounds fun!

also, i went to the gym and cycled for an hour on the stationary bike yesterday. exercise is amazingly good stress relief! actually i mean exercise as in more like moving parts of your body, even if you're not actually moving anywhere in terms of absolute distance and stuff. i'm sure you understand what i mean. anyway, i somehow managed to read like 2 pages of my CVS physio notes while peddling away on the bike and singing along to my "peace and calm" ipod playlist. it appears that my handicap in multitasking applies mainly when i drive, which is when i find it a bit challenging to maintain conversation while negotiating bends. and of course parking, which i still don't really get the hang of, but refuse to admit to my parents.

so apart from having an incredibly sore butt, i'm also feeling superbly lazy today. it's the sleep-the-whole-day-and-still-wake-up-sleepy kinda lazy feeling; definitely an ill omen for upcoming exams. oh, and i love meiji crackers. i'm addicted to them. and i'm not the only one! hah :D

CAs ended on wed, and since totally ruining any chances of ever becoming a surgeon, a number of things have happened to me:

1. MY HAIR HAS BEEN CHOPPED OFF!

horror, shock and awe! i can't believe it myself. i was out shopping with my sister the whole of thursday, and midway through our wisma escapade, i saw this promo outside The Scene hair salon. it said- SPECIAL PRICE $29.40 for students, 11am-5pm only. that, plus the fact that i have been needing a hair cut since like before cny, struck me as a sign that it was time to do it. i absolutely HATE cutting hair- one, because from young i've felt like crying everytime my long hair becomes shorter (i don't know why), and two, because nothing good ever comes out of haircuts. i always end up looking either the same, or uglier, which is usually the case because to me, nothing can ever make up for the length of hair which i have just been deprived of.

so i tell the stylist my usual request, which is to cut around "1 inch" and layer it. he asks me if i want 2 inches off instead because 1 inch wouldn't make much of a difference, and i tell him to keep the length and that i don't want it "too short". i've had way too many experiences with sneaky stylists who say they'll take 2 inches, and instead take 3. and i dislike it VERY MUCH. anyway, throughout the whole process i see massive amounts of hair being sheared away, and i suspect that more than 1 inch is being removed, which makes me panic a little inside. but i try to keep it together because i figure he's just helping me acheive a more 'layered' look. in fact, from the front the fringe and all look pretty good, so i tell myself that there's no reason to fear. however, when he finally takes out the mirror to let me see the view from behind i'm like OMFGGGGGG. my hair which was almost at my waist is now barely shoulder length!!! that's like, 5 fucking inches you moron! to make things worse, it appears he has gone overboard with the layered look, and hence i now look like some jap schoolgirl.

i am hating this new look immensely muchly.

2. candy empire

to ease some depression, my sis and i took a long trip to vivo, and blew most of our bucks at candy empire. we wanted to buy clothes, but could find nothing nice, and so we used the money on food instead. we had dinner at a very chic corduroy cafe where the seaview and plush sofa chairs were really cool, plus we bought back icing-topped cupcakes and cookies. yum! then we headed to candy empire, where the damage amounted to one huge bag full of belgian wafers, cookies, jellybeans, chocolates, sugar-coated almonds, and various other sweet things. oh, and we got the money from the remainder that my dad had given me for my trip to the dentist earlier in the day, which involved getting a filling on a tooth which had a hole that was trapping food and sugar. heehee =x i guess it's time to stop forgetting to brush before bed!

3. brewerkz

yesterday mark and i had our first proper date in like a really long while. we walked about at clarke quay and tried to get a place at cafe iguana, but apparently the wait for a table for 2 on friday night is between 45mins to 1 hour. eventually we got an indoor table at brewerkz, which quickly turned out to be much nicer than i ever expected. we had ribeye steak and cuban sandwich and lots of fries, plus a few drinks ;) i've never liked beer but now that i've tried some for the first time in ages, i do think i might have to start changing my mind on it. how unglam though! anyway my sauvignon blanc was quite excellent too, and mark appeared to be on the verge of his own conversion when he tried mine. all in, it was a super night out :) and i was not tipsy! no i was not was not :D

more later!

so, yesterday's biochem totally sucked. i am like in deeper shit than ever right now :( after all the talk about "understanding concepts", what comes out for genetics are all the examples and their mutations / deletions etc. who the hell knows??? and then i completely misinterpreted the 2nd part of my fetal alcohol syndrome question, and entirely omitted talking about other risk factors. such as undercooked food and immunizations prior to conception. excellent- we can now confirm that i am indeed the world's worst test taker ever. i highly doubt anybody else can get as many easy things wrong as i do.

due to depression, i ended up compulsively eating chocolate AND taking caffeine-infused drinks. which was great cos everybody knows that chocolate and caffeine are two of the best known triggers for migraine. so what happened? i developed ONE BIG ASS MIGRAINE in the afternoon, right when i needed to study for physio the most. then i had to nap again and woke up in the middle of the night, whereupon i swore profusely and had to stay up till 3 to finish revising. don't ask me how i got through it; the whole day passed by in a sorta blur. i only remember a lot of ferrero rochers and milo and nescafe, and then feeling dizzy and having puke at the back of my throat, and then not a lot of anything else. which gives me even greater reason to look forward to my physio results! in that state, i'm like so sure that i totally raped the paper today. hurrr hurrr.

anyway, tomorrow is THE LAST PAPER!!! yay i can't believe that liberation is actually on the horizon, even though another horizon will appear after that and only be attainable after the professionals end. but that's in mid-april! the year is almost over, my friends. and i have wasted it away. oh well :( and for those of you who are doing physiology, i actually did a summary for renal, so you can get it from me if you want. although, it turned out to be like 23 pages long, so not much of a summary i guess =p heh. but it has everything! and it took me 20 hours to compile...

today has been the nicest day so far in a string of grouchyfied days. the grouchyness has been mostly because activating mugger mode comes with complementary activation of mugger temperament, which presents as mild tantrums, pettiness, bitchiness, and wanting my way always. is there a person on this earth who hates studying more than me??? i'm convinced i was not built for such purposes.

anyway today started off with ponning school, waking up late and then (soon after breakfast) having lunch at sushi tei. maybe jap food helps restore hormonal levels in angry girls, but whatever it is i'm positive that it has a calming effect on me. unless of course the jap food is kimchi ramen or something else which also ascends behind the pores in your face and makes your pimples pop right out.

in the afternoon i had a short nap (ok so maybe i was a BIT too calm) followed by one of the best jogs ever in my life. the evening weather was perfect, and i felt strong and amazingly peaceful as the wind blew against me. i haven't felt so healthy in a damn long time; in fact, i've just not been at my best ever since i started uni. hmm perhaps this also has to do with the fact that i was listening to my "happy song" playlist on my ipod, instead of "angry music", which is my usual accompaniment when i work out.

i think it's time i reorganise my life around things which make me feel peaceful, instead of things which make me unduly anxious and unsettled.

later on, i discovered that my mom had been to carrefour and bought so many things that the entire pantry was filled to the brim with junk food. looks like she's really having a bout of loneliness-induced depression, now that my sister is at camp and my dad is on a business trip. oh well, at least she won't be depressed on an empty stomach =p

so, the day was quite a good one! the only shitty thing to happen was that i realised that the ONLY TOPIC i've finished studying for physio is NOT BEING TESTED. i felt like killing myself when i heard that! but then i also learnt that the clinical that i ponned yesterday was cancelled, and my group only found out after they had reached ttsh. haha! so i guess there is some fairness after all.

yesterday i sullenly cooped myself at home after church, and began Operation I'mScrewedForCAs. my parents tried to force me to go out for dinner, but unlike me, they clearly had not just seen the FIVE THICK FILES of notes i was supposed to finish studying by midnight. and that's not even counting spots revision, which is currently so bad that i can't even remember the major muscles of the limbs, let alone tell the difference between an ankle and elbow joint. yes, it looks like all my studying is going to have to be brought forward into the one week i cleverly reserved for "Emergencies Before CA". and guess what ladies and gentlemen, that week begins from today. haha!

anyway, while my family was out gallavanting last night, they apparently thought of me and brought back my favourite oreo cheesecake! i was of course so excited that i bounded down the stairs immediately to try it, only to find that it tasted like plastic. the crust on top looked like a layer of white jelly, exactly how i would imagine the agar nutrients used to culture microorganisms would taste like. then the cheese was so hard that i had to use force to push my fork down though the cake, AND it was tasteless. after i put it in my mouth i was like, 'where's the cheese???'

still undeterred, i thought maybe all that was because the cake had been left out of the freezer too long, and that it needs the cold to bring out its taste. so i put it in the fridge, and tried again this morning at breakfast. but still it remained just as plastic and just as tasteless. there was no hope left. the only thing(s) good about it were the ground oreos on the base and top, but then again even i could grind oreos and they would taste good. what a disappointment!

my food adventures for the weekend haven't been all bad though. in fact, i've discovered my new and improved Study Sustenance! try this: 1 spoon milo powder, 1 spoon coffee powder, 1 spoon (or more) sugar, hot water, and a few spoons of fresh milk. and you'll have your very own Mochaccino! drink 3 to 4 servings per day and i can guarantee you'll still be up and about at 3 in the morning. haha =p

this week has passed with a bit more difficulty than last week, and i find myself getting crabbier as the days progress. it is a trend i think, and it has something to do with impending doom that is the CAs followed by exams. it sucks being a student.

i can attribute the grouchyness and general alternation between indifference and depression to a few things:

1. i'm hormonal
2. i hate studying
3. i have so much to study
4. there is no end to the studying
5. my immune system is low
6. i'm lonely
7. i have no time to go out / exercise (haha)
8. datelessness :(
9. lack of social life
10. lack of tv
11. I NEED TO SLEEP MORE
12. i have insomnia when i do go to sleep
13. i have nightmares

on top of all this, i've recently developed worse orthostatic hypotension. it's so much so that i black out for a few seconds almost everytime i get up from the couch. apparently, this can be triggered by periods of stress and anxiety, which means that i now have a valid medical excuse: ALL THIS STUDYING IS DETRIMENTAL TO MY HEALTH. and i can't even begin to imagine how much damage eating compulsive processed junk food has done to my system, like since meiji crackers and generally all the dry biscuits and preserved food that i like to eat appear to be carcinogenic. AND MY FACE IS LIKE A COLONY OF PIMPLES!

dammit, i hate myself. but i hate the world even more! hah :P