omg, i'm so pleased to report that britney's newest music vid is a WHOLE lot better than the thing that she did for gimme more. in fact, there are even glimpses of the cute and sometimes goofy britney that once used to be. and there's even a synchronised dance routine (even if it WAS shot in 2 sequences where her hair and all is different)! although there still are some "what was she thinking???" moments, like the bit where she's in jeans and wiggles her butt around and really looks stunted from behind, i think all in this is the most of the old britney we've seen in AGES! but she really needs to get back with brian friedman! like quick!

so the many days following the end of CAs seem to have flown by in a blur, but then again they always do. except, this time the hours of meaningless TV-watching, shopping, eating and sleeping have failed to re-energise and satisfy me in the way they usually do. instead, they've been exactly what they are: meaningless. of course i have derived many small joys from strolling along orchard, watching movie marathons, and generally living what i imagine is the closest to a stress-free life as i'll ever have, but on the whole they just haven't had the same kick that they used to have. i feel like i've been seriously cheated of a much-needed catharsis.

the difference seems to lie in my realisation that my age is catching up on me, and that i haven't been filling my life with activities and things that might help me seize the prime of my youth. i know that it sounds silly and all, but i feel that since entering med school, i've had to age and mature so fast in such a short period of time. i can't really describe the experience, but the fatigue is definitely there.

it's not that i don't see the point in everything; i always have. and it's not like i feel like giving up either. i guess i'm just feeling desperation, because slowly but surely the best years of my life are being sucked up by a long and difficult journey.

i'm already 20 and technically past the whole seaching-for-my-identity pubescent phase, in a few years' time i'll graduate (hopefully) and start earning actual money, and then in another few years' time i'll be getting married (hopefully) and having kids. and everyone knows that life stops when you have a kid, because popping a child from your womb totally ruins your body. plus from then on you are responsible for another human's life, and therefore no longer have any rights of your own. all this basically means that my life is about to end, which sucks because i feel like it has barely even gotten started.

also, there's the issue of ageing. while guys stay eligible up till their early 40s as long as they're rich, groomed and have an ok-physique, for girls everything goes downhill once you reach 30. like you start getting wrinkles, slower metabolism, cellulite, and then your ovaries fail on you and everything just becomes fat and saggy. and if you take hormone replacements you get breast cancer, which is much worse than getting a dizzy spell from taking viagra. which is why the argument of how you should work hard during your 20s and 30s to enjoy life later really doesn't apply to us. because HELLO, THERE IS NO LIFE LATER! once your eggs start rotting, you're done for. and i have a feeling that all the shoes and bags in the world will be little consolation when i think about how i might have let my pre-menopausal years of good eggs and fertility slip away. frick. it's so gross to grow old! :(

i was trying to explain it to mark just now, and have since concluded that while guys do NOT comprehend the whole biological clock ticking away thing, they do sometimes feel the same regrets that we do. and i guess feeling regret is precisely the thing that i'm afraid of. it just sucks to look back on something and think, 'if only', because all the other possibilities that you could have made into realities just depress the hell out of you.

sigh. anyway, i'm really not feeling as bad as this post sounds. i'm just sorta in a bit of a funk, and needing a lot of space to sort myself out and get away from the pressures that i'm facing from various fronts.

but there's some christmas cheer yet to spread! i've been cooking this week and have so far polished up my baked penne and stir fried noodles skills. which probably sounds so incredibily rudimentary without me even needing to gush about how i'm now QUEEN OF THE ALPHABET SOUP! yup, i make a mean campbell's soup :D oh and next week, i shall conquer christmas desserts! which means that we shall finally see the use of my highly developed sweet tooth :)

merry christmas everyone! and shop more! :D