I've been on a hiatus, recovering from my wisdom tooth surgery last friday. But it's out now, and I can soon continue chomping cashew nuts with much unglam-ness. And also, I'm glad that my face has returned to normal, without the supposed parotimegaly that englufed my left cheek for the past week. Yay!
Today mark turned 21, and we celebrated with a surprise (hah!) birthday dinner with fellow cgh inmates on friday, and a massive drunkfest at butter fac last night. -somebody- certainly can dance when inebrieted, no? ;D Well, have a good one, my dear!
Workwise, the weekend has proved totally unproductive. I just know that helen is gonna rip me a new one on tuesday, cos my neuro exam skills totally suck. It's to do with my complete lack of psychomotor abilities, plus my difficulty distinguishing left/right and up/down and away/towards when under stress. I'm screwed! And quite useless. Haha.
Anyway, so instead of trying to help myself, I've been youtubing the qualifying rhythmic gymnasts' beijing routines. Which was when I came across anna bessonova's insane hoop routine. The music is ridiculously fast, and she swings the rope with such skill that you can barely even see it in most frames. It's freaking out of this world! I would not be able to do it even if I was born with congenitally lax ligaments and superhuman strength. But that really says nothing of how great anna is. Please observe:
Sigh. I just hope she gets her gold at Beijing. Laters!
mental activity was detected at 10:25 PM
the word on Monday, May 12, 2008 is:
Perspective
Recently I’ve come to an epiphany of sorts, that my life is in many ways blessed and full of happiness. I suppose it’s really more of a reminder, a reminder to be grateful for the ‘big picture’: love, family, health and lately, direction. Too often I’ve felt bitter over the petty details that I lack, and others that are beyond my control. And I guess sometimes it’s really not about all the things that you want, but the things that you already have.
Although I still frequently wallow in self pity, I am increasingly beginning to see that my “obstacles” pale in comparison to the seemingly insurmountable horizons that lay before many others on a daily basis. It is becoming easier for me to feel happy about my life in general.
However, a greater awareness of how blessed I am has cultivated in me a gripping fear about losing any of the entities that make up my ‘big picture’. I may be able to look beyond the little details, but how would I be able to feel complete again with such a void? Would I be able to convince myself that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all?
My priest met my family briefly last week before mass, and he told us how lucky we are to have each other. He told us that there was this 14-year old girl who had been diagnosed with rare muscular cancer and had just undergone surgery. Everybody says that you will become quickly desensitized to all these cases, and be able to treat them objectively and with appropriate detachment. But the truth is, this desensitization thing has been a very difficult process for me. Sometimes I still think about people that I’ve met weeks ago, and wonder how some people could ever cope with such immense burdens. How do you move on when you are just a shadow of your former self? How does a family muster the strength to care for a loved one whom has barely weeks, or days, left?
How do you keep the faith?
Occasionally, I see Marcus around and I am ashamed that I cannot bear to be around him. Seeing him struggle to talk and walk reminds me that everything is different now, and that things will never be peachy again. There are memories and dreams which have been lost forever. And yet, precious life has been preserved. Perhaps there is still much to be grateful for, if and when we can readjust our expectations.
Perhaps it is all about gaining perspective, and knowing when then big things become the little things, and when the little things are nothing at all.
