Some people are fucking retards. I just received a phone call informing me of ongoing dissent regarding a useless presentation, and it has really pissed me off. I guess it is partly my fault for not picking up on subtle signs earlier, and hence not making an effort to nip things in the bud. But in my defence, I really have had more things going on in my life than I have cared to tell anybody about, and I thought that for once, I could be one of the backseat slackers who just tag along for the free ride. WRONG. I should have just kept my fucking big mouth shut the whole time. Instead, I didn't, and have now apparently brought realms of injustice upon everyone else associated with me. And so I really need to vent a few grievances on this situation, and perhaps my Singaporean comrades in general:

1. Why do people not answer simple questions? Either you have seen the case, or you haven't. Either you want to do it, or you don't. Do you have NO FUCKING BRAINS? Or just NO FUCKING VOICE?

2. Don't shut up when you have 10000 things to say, and then bitch about it later. It makes no difference if you don't speak up when you're supposed to.

3. Is it really necessary to spend THREE HOURS whining about doing something which can easily be accomplished in half of that amount of time? The job is not that difficult to do. JUST FUCKING DO IT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.

4. If you're going be dumb about it, at least be consistently dumb, rather than act mute during the discussion and then make wise ass comments about how YOU would have done things differently later.

5. If you think YOUR way is superior, and are going to continue thinking so no matter what, then why don't you have the balls to say so and let everybody judge for themselves?? Must you be a fucking infant about everything???

Damn. Sometimes I really don't understand our culture. I don't think that we are (intellectually) inferior to our blue-eyed / blonde-haired overseas colleagues, but we certainly act that way in terms of social skills. Why do we not know how to hold a conversation as well as them, or just hold OURSELVES publicly for that matter? Singaporeans are so lacking in interpersonal skills, and the average one of us is so average that he has little charisma whatsoever. And I know that everyone will have their own views on the situation, as we are each entitled to have, but I won't deny the fact that this really bugs me from time to time. ESPECIALLY in times like this, when I find myself faced with a group of morons who seemingly only know how to complain rather than do any actual work to improve things.

And a lovely night to you too.

I've neglected this space quite for months now, and I think the truth is that I've grown out of blogging. While once it was an avenue for my grievances and cheer, I've become increasingly able to deal with these emotions privately and rationally, and also barely have the time to recreate them on another platform. In a sense I feel like I've become weathered to most of life's precipitations, and no longer feel the need to further dramatize or reminisce about them after they have taken place. Which is good news, given what has unfolded in recent days-

Mark first discovered the hole in his heart right after Chinese New Year. One day, we were happily playing Rock Band on his Wii, and the next day, he was told he had a 4cm wide atrial septal defect. It was so hard to believe. It's like he had lived his entire life at risk of having a stroke / heart attack at any moment from a paradoxical embolism from his heart. He was literally a walking time bomb. In my eyes he had always been a pillar of strength, and yet in mere seconds I became immensely protective and cautious of his every movement.

At first, we had hoped that the hole might have been small enough for percutaneous device repair, but that was effectively smashed when a trans-esophageal echocardiogram confirmed that the hole was as big as it gets, and that he needed open heart surgery. It was really do or die, because his heart was already severely dilated and there were signs of pulmonary hypertension. Shunt reversal and heart failure would have been inevitable consequences. So the open heart surgery was scheduled for immediately after we finished our finals, which was 3 weeks away from that point.

The next day I had to present our group's community health project, which I had also been helping to co-ordinate. I thought I needed some time out to come to terms with everything, and that I simply could not face 250 people and a panel of uncompromising judges. I thought similarly about the law-med debate which I had agreed to participate in the next week. Suddenly, everything else felt so trivial, and I was desperate to spend as much time as I possibly could with mark, before his life changed forever. Of course, I now see that it had already changed from the moment we knew his diagnosis; it put everything into perspective. And I'm glad that I pulled myself together to deal with the other commitments I had already undertaken, because knowing the sacrifice of time and spirit which they required only made me fight all the more harder. Eventually too, both the presentation and the debate were successes. In many ways they were no big deals, but given the circumstances, they were some of the most meaningful successes I have ever had, and I am all the more aware of and thankful for mark's and everyone else's support in the process.

Studying for our finals was also trying, because every now and then one of us would have doubts about the op, and mark especially would worry about how aspects of the procedure would go. I understand now how ignorance can truly be bliss, and why knowledge can be more of a burden than anything else. But luckily were able to just force ourselves to focus, and to take things one step at a time. Even valentines' day had a sombre mood to it, but it was the best we could have ever imagined in the adversity we were facing. We began to appreciate small things about each other, and really enjoyed just being in each others' company. In a short time we were forced to grow up very quickly, and I think that to a certain extent our relationship has also matured that much more.

When D-day arrived on Friday, I think everybody involved was scared beyond belief. Yet, we kept the mood light by making mostly inappropriate jokes about the situation, and discussing optimistic post-op plans. This was so much so that I was completely taken by surprise when the nurse suddenly thrust his trolley into the surgical waiting area, and told us that we were not to follow him any further. There was no time for sentimental farewells, or re-affirming any of our feelings for (possibly) the last time. This was my greatest regret. In the hours that followed I was a total wreck, because the thought that mark might die from the 101 complications that can occur during open heart surgery kept running through my head. I was not prepared to lose him forever. I could not imagine living life without him. It also didn't help that I had chosen then to google the surgical mortality rates of his surgery, and became fixated on a number of articles from the 50s and 60s with rather dire figures. It was really only the encouragement and prayers from friends and families that kept me going, and I will be eternally appreciative of them.

I thought seeing him being wheeled out of the OT would be the biggest relief for me, but it was not till the next day, when I saw him conscious, breathing independently and eating and talking that I finally felt more at ease. His recovery was remarkable and he had graduated from ICU in slightly more than 12 hours. Medically, I knew that his body was strong and that he would be back to his normal self in no time. However, the normalcy that mattered to me was being able to sit next to him, talk to him, and physically touch him. These were the things that made me know that all was right with the world again.

Since then, he's moved to a general ward and started walking and entertaining visitors. The latest news is that he's developed a pneumothorax and subcutaneous emphysema, which is being treated with suction. Other than this complication, the repair seems to be successful and his heart is returning to its normal size. I am so happy to hear this, even if everything stills seems rather surreal.

So I guess this has been a very ironic twist of fate for us. I never thought there'd be a time where mark would be so much weaker and more vulnerable than I am. I never thought I would have to, or be able to step up to the plate and look after him. I never thought I could worry so much about anything or anybody in my life. This has really made me see how much mark means to me. It scares me, and yet at the same time just feels totally natural.

I also realize now the anxiety that patients and their families must face, and I really think that the singapore system protects doctors / surgeons who are callous in their attitudes towards patients' psychosocial needs, and never take the time to properly explain what is going to happen or ensure that every step along the way is done meticulously and consistently by whichever member of the team is allocated the task of doing so. I do hope I never become that kind of doctor, although in my heart of hearts I fear that it may be unavoidable at many times. And this really bothers me. For now though, I shall just be grateful that things are going well with mark, and I'm finally going to try and relax and make the most of what's left of this short weeklong break.

Oh, and in the spirit of making the most of the break, I actually had a wisdom tooth removed today. It is apparently just a prophylactic treatment, but the tooth was impacted and bound to cause problems eventually. The procedure was not without pain, and I didn't appreciate being told otherwise prior to the surgery. However, this is not the first wisdom tooth I've extracted, so I more or less know how to handle it. At least I had the liberty of doing it when it suited me, rather than waiting for it to flare up at an inopportune moment. Especially since with me, it really does pour when it rains. I'm sure that a few days of restricted diet is nothing compared to what mark is going through anyway, and I won't be needing to look glamorous for anything anytime soon. So it's all good! We will suffer together!

I know this has been a rather uncharacteristic personal entry, and I apologize if I've bored you to death or been more emotional than usual. This will probably be my last entry for a long time to come too. I will miss this outpost, but I may drop by now and again for the sake of nostalgia.

Till then, it's been nice sharing with everybody :) GOODNIGHT and GOODBYE!