Out of curiosity as to which random virus taken to my tagboard recently, I just visited this page. And a profound thought struck me- I definitely do NOT just need the air I breathe, and a place to rest my head. I need a hell lot of other things. In fact, I carry half my house with me everytime I step out. And then, like any self-respecting and materialistic female, I need a gazillion other "personal" things, such as shoes, bags, cosmetics, accessories and so on and so forth. And, even if there comes a time when I were to throw in the towel and resign myself to a simpleton's life devoid of all luxuries, Basic Cardiac Life Support has taught me that breathing alone will not sustain me. I would still need to have an Airway and Circulation - Airway, Breathing, Circulation; as with all medical terms, it's easy as ABC! - hence, I'm becoming more and more dissatisfied with the title of this page and feel the itching need to switch to something a little more... meaningful?

Otherwise though, life has recently been good to me. Having learnt that the road ahead indeed leads to the neverending abyss which all who have gone before have repeatedly tried to warn me about, I've come to adopt a very Zen attitude towards studying. Nowadays, I take days off as and when I feel like I need a break, and take the time to totally switch off from school and just do stuff that makes me happy. And my rule about such days is this: NEVER FEEL GUILTY. It works out pretty well for me too, because after a blissful day (or even half) of mid-week slacking, sleeping, settling errands, or even working out, I feel much better about myself and can return to work with renewed focus and vigor. People around me may gasp at my apparent indifference and lacklustre attitude towards studying -"we saw TWO cases the whole morning you were away, and the last one was the absolute bomb!!!" - but little do they know the genius of my plan. Singaporeans, and especially medical students, are in dire need of a brain rewiring. I mean really guys, it's COOL to relax once in a while! There's no need to run around unproductively like kancheong little spiders 24/7!

So, I must say, I'm really loving this "you must find your own happiness" mantra. It's great. I'm slacking more than ever these days, and my grades have (I think) never been better. Okay, actually I exaggerate a little, but at least my grades haven't totally plunged, and I still (more or less) know what's going on with the patients. Everyone should take a chill pill!

In tandem with my abovementioned paradigm shift, I've also started actually being serious about getting fit. It helps that we recently bought my dad a stationary bike, so I can use it while watching TV on days when I don't have time to run or visit the gym. On weekends, mark and I have taken to running at the park, and we now cover between 7 to 10km each time. This is a far cry from my JC days, when I would be half-dead when dragging my body to the end of a terribly slow annual 2.4k run. Those who have known me since young would testify that I have never, ever, ever been a runner. For some reason though, I became interested to explore the fitness world outside the confines of an indoor, air-conditioned, gym, and I was totally shocked when suddenly I realized I was able to run 5km just like that! I'm not "fast" by any standard, but I'm just glad that my lungs have held up. Mark, too, has been an incredible inspiration. After the 4cm hole in his heart was stitched up a few months ago, he's become amazingly fit. Like duh right, because his heart is suddenly actually able to function normally. I think only good things lie ahead for us! As long as my knees don't degenerate prematurely, of course.

All this has also seriously made me appreciative of "holistic" health, involving the Mind, Body and Soul. I have really seen these 3 come together in us, and I can't believe why people do not put more attention towards striking a harmony and balance in their own lives. I think that one day, I would love to be part of a holistic wellness centre, with emphasis on natural healing, correcting underlying bodily imbalances, and preventive medicine. It would be extremely difficult to convince anybody that healing can start without miracle drugs, particularly since people still somewhat associate natural healers with quacks. But I truly believe in this! And I hope we can have something like this in the near future of our "progressive" country. All these are just preliminary thoughts though, as I still have the major hurdle of an MBBS to get over before I can even -think- about going against any kind of grain whatsoever.

Oh well. Till then though, peace out everyone!!! <3

Some people are fucking retards. I just received a phone call informing me of ongoing dissent regarding a useless presentation, and it has really pissed me off. I guess it is partly my fault for not picking up on subtle signs earlier, and hence not making an effort to nip things in the bud. But in my defence, I really have had more things going on in my life than I have cared to tell anybody about, and I thought that for once, I could be one of the backseat slackers who just tag along for the free ride. WRONG. I should have just kept my fucking big mouth shut the whole time. Instead, I didn't, and have now apparently brought realms of injustice upon everyone else associated with me. And so I really need to vent a few grievances on this situation, and perhaps my Singaporean comrades in general:

1. Why do people not answer simple questions? Either you have seen the case, or you haven't. Either you want to do it, or you don't. Do you have NO FUCKING BRAINS? Or just NO FUCKING VOICE?

2. Don't shut up when you have 10000 things to say, and then bitch about it later. It makes no difference if you don't speak up when you're supposed to.

3. Is it really necessary to spend THREE HOURS whining about doing something which can easily be accomplished in half of that amount of time? The job is not that difficult to do. JUST FUCKING DO IT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.

4. If you're going be dumb about it, at least be consistently dumb, rather than act mute during the discussion and then make wise ass comments about how YOU would have done things differently later.

5. If you think YOUR way is superior, and are going to continue thinking so no matter what, then why don't you have the balls to say so and let everybody judge for themselves?? Must you be a fucking infant about everything???

Damn. Sometimes I really don't understand our culture. I don't think that we are (intellectually) inferior to our blue-eyed / blonde-haired overseas colleagues, but we certainly act that way in terms of social skills. Why do we not know how to hold a conversation as well as them, or just hold OURSELVES publicly for that matter? Singaporeans are so lacking in interpersonal skills, and the average one of us is so average that he has little charisma whatsoever. And I know that everyone will have their own views on the situation, as we are each entitled to have, but I won't deny the fact that this really bugs me from time to time. ESPECIALLY in times like this, when I find myself faced with a group of morons who seemingly only know how to complain rather than do any actual work to improve things.

And a lovely night to you too.

I've neglected this space quite for months now, and I think the truth is that I've grown out of blogging. While once it was an avenue for my grievances and cheer, I've become increasingly able to deal with these emotions privately and rationally, and also barely have the time to recreate them on another platform. In a sense I feel like I've become weathered to most of life's precipitations, and no longer feel the need to further dramatize or reminisce about them after they have taken place. Which is good news, given what has unfolded in recent days-

Mark first discovered the hole in his heart right after Chinese New Year. One day, we were happily playing Rock Band on his Wii, and the next day, he was told he had a 4cm wide atrial septal defect. It was so hard to believe. It's like he had lived his entire life at risk of having a stroke / heart attack at any moment from a paradoxical embolism from his heart. He was literally a walking time bomb. In my eyes he had always been a pillar of strength, and yet in mere seconds I became immensely protective and cautious of his every movement.

At first, we had hoped that the hole might have been small enough for percutaneous device repair, but that was effectively smashed when a trans-esophageal echocardiogram confirmed that the hole was as big as it gets, and that he needed open heart surgery. It was really do or die, because his heart was already severely dilated and there were signs of pulmonary hypertension. Shunt reversal and heart failure would have been inevitable consequences. So the open heart surgery was scheduled for immediately after we finished our finals, which was 3 weeks away from that point.

The next day I had to present our group's community health project, which I had also been helping to co-ordinate. I thought I needed some time out to come to terms with everything, and that I simply could not face 250 people and a panel of uncompromising judges. I thought similarly about the law-med debate which I had agreed to participate in the next week. Suddenly, everything else felt so trivial, and I was desperate to spend as much time as I possibly could with mark, before his life changed forever. Of course, I now see that it had already changed from the moment we knew his diagnosis; it put everything into perspective. And I'm glad that I pulled myself together to deal with the other commitments I had already undertaken, because knowing the sacrifice of time and spirit which they required only made me fight all the more harder. Eventually too, both the presentation and the debate were successes. In many ways they were no big deals, but given the circumstances, they were some of the most meaningful successes I have ever had, and I am all the more aware of and thankful for mark's and everyone else's support in the process.

Studying for our finals was also trying, because every now and then one of us would have doubts about the op, and mark especially would worry about how aspects of the procedure would go. I understand now how ignorance can truly be bliss, and why knowledge can be more of a burden than anything else. But luckily were able to just force ourselves to focus, and to take things one step at a time. Even valentines' day had a sombre mood to it, but it was the best we could have ever imagined in the adversity we were facing. We began to appreciate small things about each other, and really enjoyed just being in each others' company. In a short time we were forced to grow up very quickly, and I think that to a certain extent our relationship has also matured that much more.

When D-day arrived on Friday, I think everybody involved was scared beyond belief. Yet, we kept the mood light by making mostly inappropriate jokes about the situation, and discussing optimistic post-op plans. This was so much so that I was completely taken by surprise when the nurse suddenly thrust his trolley into the surgical waiting area, and told us that we were not to follow him any further. There was no time for sentimental farewells, or re-affirming any of our feelings for (possibly) the last time. This was my greatest regret. In the hours that followed I was a total wreck, because the thought that mark might die from the 101 complications that can occur during open heart surgery kept running through my head. I was not prepared to lose him forever. I could not imagine living life without him. It also didn't help that I had chosen then to google the surgical mortality rates of his surgery, and became fixated on a number of articles from the 50s and 60s with rather dire figures. It was really only the encouragement and prayers from friends and families that kept me going, and I will be eternally appreciative of them.

I thought seeing him being wheeled out of the OT would be the biggest relief for me, but it was not till the next day, when I saw him conscious, breathing independently and eating and talking that I finally felt more at ease. His recovery was remarkable and he had graduated from ICU in slightly more than 12 hours. Medically, I knew that his body was strong and that he would be back to his normal self in no time. However, the normalcy that mattered to me was being able to sit next to him, talk to him, and physically touch him. These were the things that made me know that all was right with the world again.

Since then, he's moved to a general ward and started walking and entertaining visitors. The latest news is that he's developed a pneumothorax and subcutaneous emphysema, which is being treated with suction. Other than this complication, the repair seems to be successful and his heart is returning to its normal size. I am so happy to hear this, even if everything stills seems rather surreal.

So I guess this has been a very ironic twist of fate for us. I never thought there'd be a time where mark would be so much weaker and more vulnerable than I am. I never thought I would have to, or be able to step up to the plate and look after him. I never thought I could worry so much about anything or anybody in my life. This has really made me see how much mark means to me. It scares me, and yet at the same time just feels totally natural.

I also realize now the anxiety that patients and their families must face, and I really think that the singapore system protects doctors / surgeons who are callous in their attitudes towards patients' psychosocial needs, and never take the time to properly explain what is going to happen or ensure that every step along the way is done meticulously and consistently by whichever member of the team is allocated the task of doing so. I do hope I never become that kind of doctor, although in my heart of hearts I fear that it may be unavoidable at many times. And this really bothers me. For now though, I shall just be grateful that things are going well with mark, and I'm finally going to try and relax and make the most of what's left of this short weeklong break.

Oh, and in the spirit of making the most of the break, I actually had a wisdom tooth removed today. It is apparently just a prophylactic treatment, but the tooth was impacted and bound to cause problems eventually. The procedure was not without pain, and I didn't appreciate being told otherwise prior to the surgery. However, this is not the first wisdom tooth I've extracted, so I more or less know how to handle it. At least I had the liberty of doing it when it suited me, rather than waiting for it to flare up at an inopportune moment. Especially since with me, it really does pour when it rains. I'm sure that a few days of restricted diet is nothing compared to what mark is going through anyway, and I won't be needing to look glamorous for anything anytime soon. So it's all good! We will suffer together!

I know this has been a rather uncharacteristic personal entry, and I apologize if I've bored you to death or been more emotional than usual. This will probably be my last entry for a long time to come too. I will miss this outpost, but I may drop by now and again for the sake of nostalgia.

Till then, it's been nice sharing with everybody :) GOODNIGHT and GOODBYE!

The past 2 weeks have been madness. On saturday, I had my medicine end-of-posting test and since then I have finally been able to breathe a few breaths of calm, fresh air. Saturday itself was a rather momentous occasion for me, and I feel I must recount how it was the culmination of many things:

1. Harriedly (and at times, sneakily!) approaching patients, and not leaving until we have all at least examined 1 different system each
2. Shamelessly stalking house officers, medical officers, and registrars for their patient lists, and being met with surprising niceness and/or curt hand gestures
3. Lingering around the case files and being told to leave them alone by not-so-savoury characters
4. Swiping alcohol hand wipes and stuffing them in our lab coat pockets
5. Percussing and auscultating everybody and everything
6. Arranging for tutorials, and getting into trouble because the appointed patients had left their beds
7. Not picking up 1 million highly obvious physical signs
8. Obsessing over what we were going to have from Mr Bean / Yami Yoghurt

In TTSH at least, the divide and conquer method appears to be superior as far as examining patient goes. I really enjoyed working with my cg mates, as most of us were quite resourceful in procuring patients with good signs and temperaments. And of course, I must emphasize that contrary to whatever you might have heard, all asking of favors was done by the booKs! No *ahem* unconventional methods were employed in any of the above activities.

I also feel that Lifeng deserves a list all of her own, in order to appropriately remember how she cycled to TTSH, still had bicycle marks on her legs THREE DAYS LATER, made her myriad of constipated facial expressions, and exclaimed "uncle bu yao zuo bi!" when her patient didn't understand her instructions during her cranial nerve examination. But I suppose I can keep those as private jokes for now. Haha :P

All in, I think I really enjoyed my med posting. It was tiring, and left my feet aching and sore, but I really felt I accomplished things at the end of almost every day. I cannot say the same for my psychiatry posting, which has so far started off on poor footing. Especially because psych patients are not always in the right frame of mind to talk to us, and because I am pretty much tired out from med and taking a self-designated break. Yes, I shall allow myself to slack till the end of this week. Or maybe next week. Or maybe even next next week. We shall see! How much we can get away with, that is.

That being said about med in TTSH, my test on Saturday did not go quite as well. For starters, I could really have done with more presence of mind during my long case. And for my neuro short, I was examined by the same CSFC tutor who witnessed me in my gloriously incompetent and psychomotor-ly impaired state 4 months ago. I am DAMN SURE that she was not impressed at all by me. Which is why I just hope to pass and get the hell on with my electives. Fingers crossed then!

Apart from that, Saturday night was also Ian's birthday celebration. It was fun to finally be able to hang out with everybody, stress free. I actually overslept a bit and had to rush through getting ready and getting there. Oh well, not like you can expect people to look their best after a grueling test. Especially if they had massive anxiety attacks the night before and were unable to sleep!

Following that, we had a lavish TWO DAY break before our next posting. In two days I was barely able to get myself out of my comatose exhausted state and back up to hit the ground running for psych. Plus on monday, mark wanted to go swimming. But then it rained! And we had to go gymming instead :P In fact, we have started quantifying exercise time in terms of calories from eating Pocky sticks. For example, I have to cycle 6 minutes to burn off 2 Pockies. As in 2 STICKS. Mark was totally like "No more ******* pocky forever and ever!" afterwards. I kinda agree, but then again I just ate a box while typing this post. Looks like I'll be cycling until I die to try and burn those persistent calories off. Or not!

On a sidenote, I fear that mark is turning manorexic. These days he seems to eat less than me, and exercises more too! I will have to watch him more closely in the coming days and weeks and see what becomes of this. Hmm.

That's all for now. I'm working on a Palin hate post. Soon!

WOMANIZER! (uncensored)



Britney's new video for her single Womanizer came out this morning, and it's THE SHIZZ!!! It finally features britney dancing to choreography that actually seems well-rehearsed, and suited to the vid. Remember how she was literally covered only in diamonds for parts of her Toxic video? Well, she basically did the same thing for Womanizer, albeit withOUT the diamonds! It was so steamy it had to be digitally altered for its premiere on ABC!

No surprises about the vid's controversy though, as it's directed by Joseph Khan, who shot Toxic and Stronger. I am not quite sure who choreographed the dancing, but I think it's possible that Britney did so herself. The head swinging definitely looks like the kind of thing she's been into a lot recently.

Anyway, do enjoy the video. Britney looks amazing and I LOVE BRITNEY!!

xoxo,
Your unapologetic Britney fan.

Time has flown! Last friday I was officially RELIEVED OF ALL DUTIES to our medical fraternity. Which means, no more mindless sai kang for me. Although, I must admit that I never did take too well to being a saikangwarrioress, and indeed found many a reason to pon. While it was an experience that has opened my eyes to a lot of things, I will definitely enjoy not feeling obligated to turn up / organize events which I don't believe in. I guess there is only so much you can do and change, and after a while it's just time to Get The Hell Out. And so I have!

Ironically though, my last event was on the very day that I was supposed to step down. I won't pretend that I contributed meaningfully to it in any way, but I did lose a lot of sleep towards the end dealing with certain characters and miscellaneous things. Such as trying to coerce everyone in TTSH to join the bash pageant. Eventually though, I did manage to get the very sporting Roy and Amanda to join, which worked out very well ;) And as always, Li Jia was fabulous. I love her! Now, the last question is where did that $7000 cheque go to? I have no idea. Hahas!

I left zouk pretty early after the event because... I was bored. For some reason, clubbing just seems like an activity which only fits if you're single. I just don't see the point if you're not out to flirt or meet potential dates from the opposite sex, and have a responsibility to not drink / dance inappropriately. I sometimes wonder if I am missing out on the perks of swinging singlehood. Would it be more fun? And what is it like to be an independent woman? Because I totally rely on mark for too many things. I even need him to tell me to start studying and not drink Coke / Pepsi. And now that we're in different clinical groups and hospitals, I miss him everyday. But I guess that from time to time we need to learn to do things separately from each other. And of course it's OK as long as he's only a phone call away, and willing to wait 2 hours after work whilst I try to escape from neverending lectures :P :P

Anyway, that reminds me- I definitely need to bitch about today's neuro lec! But that's a story for another day. I'm tired now and have a cofm project to do. YAY x1000000.

And lastly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY WALKER! I hope my present doesn't cause -too much- embarrassment in sheep country. Let me know when you get it! ;)

I keep re-watching this vid and trying to see how Coldplay could possibly have thought it was fit for public consumption. It's ridiculous! Why does Chris Martin look like he's having a seizure??? I mean, his actions are already totally whacked out, but must he bounce continuously too?

I get that there's a revolutionary marching pace kinda theme to it, but I really think they indulged Chris' psycho tendencies a bit too much in this one. And of course I had to re-watch Violet Hill too, and actually I kinda see how such retarded antics are quite the norm for him. I guess when you're insanely talented you're allowed to act stupid, and name your daughter Apple. Haha.

Oh, and don't you think he looks like Hugh Laurie from certain angles? Hawtness!

And, I definitely DO NOT see how this was a suitable song to open the 90210 season. Does that show even have brains?? It's like the WORST new teenage drama ever! Give me OC over it any day man.

Recently my hypochondriac tendencies have been on overdrive, and I have now convinced myself that I am a walking fomite and live in dire fear of dying from one of the ten thousand diseases which I have self-diagnosed. And I should add that out of these ten thousand diseases, I am self-medicating for about half. The stress of all this is in fact making me forget little things, such as taking my daily multivitamins. I suppose this is greatly ironic.

My newest obsession is puzzling over whether or not I truly have HT, which is thanks to my surgery examiner, of all people. I have suddenly become quite conscious of some of these symptoms, although Mark says that I am still missing one or two key features of the disease, which means that my fears might just be unfounded. But still, I could just die of atrial fibrillation any moment now. Oh, the drama!

Also, there's vasovagal syncope. This is for real. I definitely do feel faint when standing in a claustrophobic environment. For example, during bedside tutorials when the curtains are drawn around the patient's bed. Those are PRIME fainting circumstances. I hope I don't alarm the patient too much with the dilating pupils, paleness and sudden hyperventilating. Haha.

And of course, there's DEATH FROM FAILING PATHO. I should be doing something about this, but somehow I just can't. But I should try.

Goodnight, y'all!

I like Barack Obama. I really do. While I doubt that he can completely deliver on all his promises for change, there is something extremely fortifying about the way he speaks. He makes you believe that he can make the difference, and that you want to help him do so! And I love his no-nonsense demeanour, and his unassuming upbringing. Truly, this is a man with the charisma to rally an ailing nation to its feet again.

The video of him accepting his nomination as the democrats' presidential candidate is below. Towards the middle there are parts of his speech which really remind me of that "I have a dream speech", especially the repetitive "Now is the time" rhetoric. I wonder if it isn't just a coincidence that it was structured as such, since Obama's speech was made on the anniversary of MLK's original dream speech. Check it out for yourself, but be warned that the whole video is over 50 minutes long. Heh.



I watched McCain's vice-presidential announcement of Sarah Palin too, and like everyone else I went "Huh???". If he thinks that 44-year old Palin's one-year of governing experience equips her to lead a country, then surely he must concede that Obama's "judgement" will suffice as well. It just seems like a desperate attempt to generate some interest in his rather lacklustre campaign thus far. What bugs me the most is still McCain's pro-war stance, and it sickened me to see Palin speak in length about her eldest son who had just begun his tour of duty in Iraq. I hate it when people glorify war. And I hate the way Palin made use of her son's sacrifice just to garner a few nationalistic cheers, and emphasise McCain's fully heroic Vietnam war experience which he (and now Palin) are determined to never let us forget.

Arming yourself to kill others simply because they disagree with your political ideas is something which can just never be justified. In fact, it is as bad as killing fetuses, and it is true hypocrisy for McCain to be both pro-war and pro-life at the same time. But I guess maybe he just believes that citizens of other countries are less deserving of life than say a unicellular zygote. And the suspicion of peace-threatening activities is totally an excellent reason to just invade and conquer all oil-producing countries! And while we're at it, we should occupy and oppress their innocent civilians FOREVER, muahahaha, says McCain.

I hope Obama crushes McCain like a friggin cockroach!

So, I had hoped not to rant any more on this blog, but I certainly have to today. Because a terrible injustice has been done to my Anna!! My Anna Bessonova, queen of rhythmic gym! Well she's not -my- anna per se, but she's my FAVOURITEST gymnast of all time, possibly even more so than Khorkina. And today, she was yet again denied her Olympic gold.

Why I love Anna is because she's full of grace, elegance, poise, and her routines are always creative and a joy to watch. And unlike some gymnasts of old, coughKABAEVAcough, she infuses some artistry into her routines even whilst maintaining high technical prowess. And apart from her at times ridiculously fast ribbon routines, she is always so composed during competition that she really makes everything look so incredibly easy when in fact it's the complete opposite of that.

Whilst I must admit that Kanaeva was truly a class act today (and I totally support her too but more later), I completely think that Anna DID NOT deserve to be placed behind Zhukova in any of her routines. Anyone who watches gym will be able to tell you that anna's routines were clearly stacked with more difficulty, and better executed. In fact Zhukova kept falling out of her pirouettes, and she definitely didn't have the flexibility required to consider the pirouettes as "completed skills". Her legs were barely, if ever, even 90degrees on those. Are the judges blind??? Or just BIASed???

Anna, on the other hand, obviously oversplit on all her leaps and balances, and because she didn't make any big mistakes today, she should have scored above 18 for all. After her 17.9 on rope, Anna was visibly upset and I think eveything sorta went downhill from there. I've seen her perform her hoop routine many times before and she somehow didn't quite do it today with the same confidence and coolness that she usually does. That being said, she didn't deserve the kind of shit that the judges were soon to give her, especially with the 0.05 adjustment on her clubs routine. Like, what was that about??? It was so obvious that the score was too low. Even the audience knew it and was in a total frenzy after her last 2 performances. Anna had to get up twice whilst to wave and bow because the cheers were crazily loud whilst the judges were still deliberating on her ribbon score. Even Kanaeva didn't get that kind of reception! That certainly says something, doesn't it ;)

So anyway, I have to end with something nice, and I can't think of anything nicer than Anna's 2005 gala, in which she choreographed a hoop routine to the theme of swan lake. It was non-competitive, so it's not full of anything too technical, but she really had freedom to create a routine which was breathtaking. And indeed she did :) Check out the 7 consecutive split leaps and how she rotates the hoop on her raised and flexed foot towards the end. Humanly impossible! The video quality is poor and her tutu is a bit ridiculous, but you must admit that Anna is truly queen. Enjoy: